As much as I LOVE, love. Coming out of my last relationship made me realize I began to love the person more than I ever loved myself, ouch. That was a bit harsh, but true. I did everything and anything for this person. As I feel as you should when you’re in such commitment like I was… but the issue became when it stopped there and I didn’t give MYSELF that same love and priority. I was young at an age where as a woman, I was figuring out who I was. So when things didn’t go as planned, I asked myself… Do you love yourself? After much soul-searching, I realized I was unhappy and somewhere in between those years I stopped worrying about loving myself first. From that moment on, I made a pact within myself upon beginning to heal. I needed to learn to LOVE myself as much, as often, and as easily as I can love others.
Do you have a knot in your throat yet? I do and I’m just typing this. You see, it’s been 2 years or so. Long hours, longer nights. Hard days, tough months. Not because of the break up but because I had to stand in front of the mirror and come to terms that until I got better in THIS, I knew a meaningful and healthy relationship wasn’t in store for me. I didn’t want anyone “saving” me. I didn’t want to be comforted.
I wanted to face it that for some reason deep, deep, deep, down inside me, it was hard for me to be as nice and loving to the person in the mirror. Myself. That sounds so unattractive, I know… but it was true.
We have a tendency to be so hard on the people we are the most comfortable with. So when you think about it, who are we the MOST comfortable with? Our reflection. We let the little voice from the enemy, insecurity, negativity, etc. to have a megaphone when they don’t deserve the ability to even spew out a word. We aren’t that. When I realized that, I knew I had to work on that. So I did. For 2 years now and I’m still working. Oh, you thought this was a “I’m fixed now” didn’t you? nope, still a work in progress.
Sure, I could have found a guy who wanted to be in a relationship with me right after my last one. I’m also not going to lie and say I haven’t met anyone of value in the process, but I’ve been honest from the start when asked how I’m feeling. Otherwise, that wouldn’t have been fair to them. It wouldn’t have been fair to me. And if we’re being totally honest, that would have been the weak move for me to do, to just hide and put my inner issues onto someone else.
So now, 2 years into this… I’m not sure if I’m entirely ready.
I know I’m so much stronger, wiser, happier, and in love with myself than I ever was before.
I know what I want and what I don’t.
I know what I will take and what I refuse.
Sometimes that’s a lot for people. But I know I needed this because how can you truly love again if you don’t truly love yourself?
This is a journey, there’s no end to it in my opinion. There’s some good days, there is some bad days. But now, I see the signs clearly. I know what boundaries I need to set for myself and what I need to work on. I see my weaknesses and I know my strengths.
This is learning to love yourself again whole-heartily.